I find myself saying, at the beginning of each month: “This year is flying by, huh?” I feel as though the snow melted and the flowers bloomed and the bikinis came out in no time. I don’t mind it though, not one bit. I think back to last July, and the July prior…and this July, although only one day in, is my favorite July thus far.
I feel so good. So very good. The watermelon feels so crisp when I bite; the sweat rolling down my back during a hike tickles more than it bothers; my legs are still super pale but I wear what I want. The most wonderful feeling is the sun burning my face. I can feel the rays penetrating the layers of my skin and even with my eyes closed all is a bright yellow. It is a burn but a burn which does not hurt. I lay in our yard and watch the ants scramble to-and-fro, acting like they own the place. I let them be.
Be. Being. Being in a state of being. Last July and the July before I was so preoccupied with the thoughts in my head and feelings in my chest that I sometimes let the days go by without as much as an acknowledgment. There was a constant layer between my mind and my ability to be. It was kind of like allergies, where you watch the world through a film no matter how many Zyrtecs you take.
A few days ago I was walking to an appointment and I saw an older man driving by with a frown on his face. What is he thinking about? What is it that weighs on his mind? I felt bad for the man, but I also felt relieved. In that moment I realized that I had been thinking about…nothing.
There was no sadness in my chest, no anger contained in the clenching of my teeth. My mind was free of chaos and insecurities and the past. I had been watching the cars drive by and the girl jogger with the fit body and tsk-ing at the constant and annoying plumbing work that is going on in that part of Providence. There was no film between me and my surroundings. I was in a state of being. No more, no less. Before I would have wept at the thought that I was finally in a place of peace. That day, however, the thought brought me happiness and pride more than anything. The more you let yourself be, the less you search for external things for approval. The less you feel self-conscious, the more you get to know yourself and the universe, the more control you have over any situation.
What’s the point in just being, you might ask. Shouldn’t there be more to being?
No. I do not have to be anything at all. Simply being is more than enough for me.
“Just be…yourself, and you’ll do great.” – Chieftain