Fit.

We’ll do anything to make ourselves fit – into jeans and spaces and roles and relationships even when it is obvious that we do not fit, belong, or are wanted there. Shit, sometimes we don’t even wanna be there. Yet, we are willing to deal with and do things that go against what we stand for or believe in. We bend and accommodate even when it’s killing us on the inside. We try again and again, becoming flustered and crying into our so-over-it pillows. We face rejection and we internalize it, blame ourselves. “I am this, this, or that.” When we’re being especially spiteful we start with the “I am not this, this, or that enough.” It’s painful, ain’t it?

One night, when getting over my last heartbreak – and it took me what felt eternities – I began berating myself once again, remembering all the ways in which I had messed up, cheated myself out of happiness, and the time lost hurting. Eventually, I shrugged and thought: All I did was try to love him. I can still remember that moment crisply, precisely. A calm came over me, and I knew, I just fucking knew, that I would never be upset over that shit again. I had loved someone wholeheartedly, selflessly, and without agenda. Had my love/attitude/expectations been perfect? No. But I had attempted to give someone all of me – with its chipped nail polish and quick comebacks and collection of books & insecurities – unconditionally and until I took my last breath. It was out of my control what they did with it. It was not up to me to decide what they did with that gift. In that moment, I found that idea beautiful, more beautiful than any other thought I had ever had. I could rest easy because all I ever did was try to be good to someone.

So, if you’re going through it (and I know some of you are) take comfort in that, soon enough, your golden little heart will heal. You might always feel a sting of hurt, or even of love for that person, but your idea of love just isn’t their idea of love. You just didn’t fit into their bigger picture. And that’s okay. It’s beautiful and wholesome and amazing that you tried.

<3,

Jax

2 thoughts on “Fit.

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