Ginkgo Biloba.

I’ve put on the chunk in the past couple of months (I blame it on the merriness of jesus’ birth and the anxiety of a Y2K repeat) so I am on a cleanse. I am avoiding sugar (except for pumpkin coffee bread, come oooon) and fried crap. The soda, alcohol and junk I have is minimal. I don’t believe in depriving myself, but realistically, to lose some weight and be an overall healthy individual, you have to cut out the majority of the bad stuff.

I’m eating a lot of green and leafy things. No dairy. Normal portions. I’m the glutton that continues to eat without being hungry, so I eat enough to allow me to live. Actual meals, not feasts. I speed walk around the high school like I’m running away from a rat and being on the third floor requires me to take the stairs. So, I’ve shed some pounds. My mojo is making a comeback.

I drink a lot of water, so for the past couple of days I have been incorporating a cup of tea, to mix things up and to prevent losing my goddamn mind. A lot of them are good for stress, headaches, and burning fat (ching ching!). I used up my coworker’s peppermint tea, so I grabbed a new one – ginkgo biloba, it’s called. I made myself a cup and tra-la-la’d to an ELL English class I help in twice a week. I sat and sipped my tea as the teacher yelled at a student for being…a student. Halfway through:

Bluh. Bluuuuh.

I felt it first and then I heard it. It was my stomach. I only got to eat half my sandwich, I must be hungry.

Bluuuuh. Bllllllllllll. Bbbbbbbb. Holy shit, what is happening?

You know how you clench real tight to minimize the bubbling sounds coming from inside you? I must have an ass of steel right now, the way I was squeezing these buns. I sat upright and the pain shot up my ass and through my spine. I slinked down into the desk and the pain punched my belly.

I dealt with the noise and the stomach pain and started to wonder what made me upset. Obviously, nothing, since I eat less than a damn baby bird. An hour later I walked back to our class, tail between my legs. I felt woozy. I’m unprofessional, so I brought it up to my lady coworkers.

Something made me sick, man.

Nah, it wasn’t anything I ate. I haven’t touched dairy.

Ugh, I might have to go home early.

To which one of my coworkers said, “Yeah, that tea you had? I looked it up. It’s supposed to work as a cleanser. Like, a digestive cleanser.”

Really? Really, god, mary magdalene and all the angels? Really, universe, galaxies and cosmos? Really, karma? Really, Jackie? All a girl wants to do is be healthy and this is what she gets? When I went on a cleanse I meant a bad shit cleanse, not a shit shit cleanse.

Fuck this diet. Coca-cola never gave me the runs.

2 thoughts on “Ginkgo Biloba.

  1. Wow!!!! I don’t know what to say. I don’t even know how to feel for you. The screaming shits are no fun at all. Especially those delivered by a cup of tea. I agree fuck the diet. Why punish yourself. Big girls need love to right?
    Why beat around the Bush pull up your big girl pants and soldier on. Drop and give me 20.
    Sorry I just kidding loved the post!!! Your hilarious.

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