I’ve put on the chunk in the past couple of months (I blame it on the merriness of jesus’ birth and the anxiety of a Y2K repeat) so I am on a cleanse. I am avoiding sugar (except for pumpkin coffee bread, come oooon) and fried crap. The soda, alcohol and junk I have is minimal. I don’t believe in depriving myself, but realistically, to lose some weight and be an overall healthy individual, you have to cut out the majority of the bad stuff.
I’m eating a lot of green and leafy things. No dairy. Normal portions. I’m the glutton that continues to eat without being hungry, so I eat enough to allow me to live. Actual meals, not feasts. I speed walk around the high school like I’m running away from a rat and being on the third floor requires me to take the stairs. So, I’ve shed some pounds. My mojo is making a comeback.
I drink a lot of water, so for the past couple of days I have been incorporating a cup of tea, to mix things up and to prevent losing my goddamn mind. A lot of them are good for stress, headaches, and burning fat (ching ching!). I used up my coworker’s peppermint tea, so I grabbed a new one – ginkgo biloba, it’s called. I made myself a cup and tra-la-la’d to an ELL English class I help in twice a week. I sat and sipped my tea as the teacher yelled at a student for being…a student. Halfway through:
I felt it first and then I heard it. It was my stomach. I only got to eat half my sandwich, I must be hungry.
Bluuuuh. Bllllllllllll. Bbbbbbbb. Holy shit, what is happening?
You know how you clench real tight to minimize the bubbling sounds coming from inside you? I must have an ass of steel right now, the way I was squeezing these buns. I sat upright and the pain shot up my ass and through my spine. I slinked down into the desk and the pain punched my belly.
I dealt with the noise and the stomach pain and started to wonder what made me upset. Obviously, nothing, since I eat less than a damn baby bird. An hour later I walked back to our class, tail between my legs. I felt woozy. I’m unprofessional, so I brought it up to my lady coworkers.
Something made me sick, man.
Nah, it wasn’t anything I ate. I haven’t touched dairy.
Ugh, I might have to go home early.
To which one of my coworkers said, “Yeah, that tea you had? I looked it up. It’s supposed to work as a cleanser. Like, a digestive cleanser.”
Really? Really, god, mary magdalene and all the angels? Really, universe, galaxies and cosmos? Really, karma? Really, Jackie? All a girl wants to do is be healthy and this is what she gets? When I went on a cleanse I meant a bad shit cleanse, not a shit shit cleanse.
Fuck this diet. Coca-cola never gave me the runs.