Up until my angst-filled and tortured artist teen years I didn’t miss many days of school. I loved school, I did. But I also really loved staying home for the day, watching novelas with Margot. I’m a hypochondriac, lazy, and a liar, so if it had been up to me I would have been an elementary school dropout. My mommadukes was always my partner in crime. My poppadukes, however, wasn’t buying the shit we were selling.
“Se me va pa’ la escuela, culicagada!” You are going to school, little brat!
Therefore, off to school I went, but not before hurriedly finishing the homework I thought I wouldn’t have to do. Damn you, good parenting! Anyway, my favorite part of not going to school was writing an absent note. I would conserve paper and use half a sheet of lined paper. I would put a lot of effort into it. I thought I was professional and elegant as all hell because I would start off my letter how my sisters would write theirs:
To Whom It May Concern:
Ha! They’d have to believe the letter was legit with such an eloquent introduction. I also made sure my penmanship was at its best. The letter would continue:
My daughter, Jacqueline Canola, was absent yesterday due to a severe stomach ache/flu-like symptoms/headache/a case of massive fucking diarrhea.
Ok, maybe not that last part. Sometimes that was true, though. I would sometimes make the letter sound really adult-like and concerned:
Jacqueline will fulfill any and all missed schoolwork.
I only used that in really dire situations, because really, wtf?
Please pardon any inconvenience. Thank you. Sincerely, Margarita —-.
My mother would then be a cutie pie and sign it. I would tuck the letter neatly into my folder and first thing in the morning hand it over to my teacher. I’m glad you’re feeling better, Jackie.
Me too, biotch, me too. That’s all you needed when little, a crappy note. Nowadays, forget it. How do kids get out of school? Notarized ER doctor notes signed in blood, complete with social security numbers and medical records? Sheesh. You miss school nowadays as a kid and all of a sudden DCYF and a SWAT team is kicking in your door. My little white lies were every now and again, once or twice a month, and that’s pushing it. I hear that absentee rates are through the roof now. Teachers and administration don’t believe kids; students don’t trust those in charge. Am I oversimplifying, generalizing, hyperbolizing? Perhaps. I don’t feel like looking up data or reflecting any more on my school days. I paid a whole lot of a hell of money to not have to go to school ever again. I was a sneaky lazy liar at age six and I’m a sneaky lazy liar today.
Everything just seemed easier back in the days of yore when shit could be resolved with a few carefully placed words and a neatly folded-in-half note.