When we were younger, my mother and I were devoted fans of famed and super fabulous astrologer, Walter Mercado. Yes, this guy:


Every weekday at 5:45 pm, during Primer Impacto, we would wait with bated breath to hear our horoscope for the day. What would be our fortune? Would today be a day of positivity or luck? Of heartbreak or of choleric tendencies? What would be our lucky numbers?! Aries for my mom, Taurus for my dad, Gemini for my sisters, and Virgo for myself. My mom would sometimes take out her pen and pad, and try to write as fast as Walter was predicting. We really got a kick out of it, and my dad would groan and roll his eyes. Except for the days Walter told him he’d be coming into some good fortune, then his incredulous ass would listen.

But then one day, Walter was replaced with some other shit. We learned Univision hadn’t renewed our homeboy’s contract. My mother and I were confused, and felt abandoned and cheated. I think our fervor for horoscopes died down a bit after that. Well, at least mine did. I’ll occasionally look up my horoscope, but don’t ever take them too seriously. They are always promising business opportunities and bumping into my true love at the bookstore and being one with nature or whatever, and I ain’t done any of that nonsense.

Today, though, I was feeling lucky and optimistic, and gave my horoscope a chance. It was in Spanish, but I gotchu:

Virgo: Mercury gives you the green light to travel and now you feel motivated to do so. Organize everything with time and you will have no problems in launching yourself into the adventure of exploring new places and learning about other cultures. A new love could also be found in faraway lands. It is an excellent time to learn new languages.

Whoaaaaaaa! Wha, hu, ha? How did they know I was traveling? This is spot on! I knew, just knew, that going to Africa would pay off! Aaaand I’m gonna find love? Watchoutnow!

But then, the rational Jax, that oh so annoying voice of clarity, said, meeeeeeh. Of all the 365 horoscopes written a year for Virgos, this one – this single one – somewhat pertains to me. What if I were a non-traveling Virgo? What if I were already in love? What if I were incredibly dense and could barely speak English, much less pick up new languages? I would simply dismiss this horoscope as I have done all the rest and forget all about it.

What I am getting at is that it’s time to stop relying on rinky-dink, picked-out-of-a-box predictions and make things happen for myself. Reading this in the entertainment section of Providence en Espanol shouldn’t make me happy or anxious for my future – I should naturally feel that way, no? It’s great to believe in something and hear about great possibilities in our lives, but it is much greater to dream of them for ourselves and make them happen.

I love you, Walter Mercado, but the jig is up! I’m my own man!


3 thoughts on “Horoscope.

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