I dream about being lost. A lot. Typically I am lost in a huge mall or in a school. I am never quite aware that I am lost at first. I make my rounds, walk round and round amongst crowds of people. Randomly I will see someone I actually know in my dream; more often than not it’s complete strangers. I ride escalators, jog up stairs, walk into random rooms, or shuffle through shelves of things. I don’t know if it’s the “dream” Jax or my “subconscious” Jax, but with a sweaty forehead I realize that I have been strolling for a very long time, that I’ve passed this kiosk or room or person more than once, and that I still have no clue what I am looking for.
This is when an overwhelming sense of desperation begins to grow in my chest. Am I meeting someone? Am I on a secret mission? Am I being a stalker creep? Do I work here? Did someone abandon me here?
Or is this a subconscious, fragmented interpretation of how I feel at times – lost? Or am I afraid of being lost? Alone? Is it my subconscious asking me what my purpose is? Are these dreams omens? Or signs that the unknown isn’t as frightening as I make it out to be? Is the universe telling me to learn how to read a map? Freud, where are you when I need you?!
To make matters worse, I am sometimes wearing roller skates. You’d think that since it’s a dream I’d be able to control my feet, but much like in real life, I am a klutz on the skates. My feet feel heavy, and I slowly make my way through the crowds of people while holding onto the wall. I stumble and wave my arms in the air, people push me out of their way, and I hesitate before every step. I breathe heavily with exhaustion, as I search and search for whatever or whomever it is I am searching for like a flailing buffoon.
There’s only been one time where I came upon something in a dream after an extensive search. You know that little hill at the top of an escalator, where one second you can’t see anything past it but all of a sudden as you reach the peak of the hill you can see the entire mall floor? As I reached the top of that hill, my eyes finally landed on my prize: an Almond Joy. It was the last Almond Joy, on a candy shelf at an Orange Julius (random, huh?). With excitement, I pushed my way past the crowd of people, only to find myself behind a man counting his change.
Damn, it’s so close, I thought. Come on, dude. As he stepped out of line I reached my hand out towards the Almond Joy in its blue packet and…
My ass woke up. I groaned with disappointment. Even when I find what I want, a small bite of joy, I can’t have it. Let’s psychoanalyze that, sheeeeit.
