Lost.

I dream about being lost.  A lot.  Typically I am lost in a huge mall or in a school.  I am never quite aware that I am lost at first.  I make my rounds, walk round and round amongst crowds of people.  Randomly I will see someone I actually know in my dream; more often than not it’s complete strangers.  I ride escalators, jog up stairs, walk into random rooms, or shuffle through shelves of things.  I don’t know if it’s the “dream” Jax or my “subconscious” Jax, but with a sweaty forehead I realize that I have been strolling for a very long time, that I’ve passed this kiosk or room or person more than once, and that I still have no clue what I am looking for. 

This is when an overwhelming sense of desperation begins to grow in my chest.  Am I meeting someone?  Am I on a secret mission?  Am I being a stalker creep?  Do I work here?  Did someone abandon me here? 

Or is this a subconscious, fragmented interpretation of how I feel at times – lost?  Or am I afraid of being lost?  Alone?  Is it my subconscious asking me what my purpose is?  Are these dreams omens?   Or signs that the unknown isn’t as frightening as I make it out to be?  Is the universe telling me to learn how to read a map?  Freud, where are you when I need you?!         

To make matters worse, I am sometimes wearing roller skates.  You’d think that since it’s a dream I’d be able to control my feet, but much like in real life, I am a klutz on the skates.  My feet feel heavy, and I slowly make my way through the crowds of people while holding onto the wall.  I stumble and wave my arms in the air, people push me out of their way, and I hesitate before every step.  I breathe heavily with exhaustion, as I search and search for whatever or whomever it is I am searching for like a flailing buffoon.

There’s only been one time where I came upon something in a dream after an extensive search.  You know that little hill at the top of an escalator, where one second you can’t see anything past it but all of a sudden as you reach the peak of the hill you can see the entire mall floor?  As I reached the top of that hill, my eyes finally landed on my prize:  an Almond Joy.  It was the last Almond Joy, on a candy shelf at an Orange Julius (random, huh?).  With excitement, I pushed my way past the crowd of people, only to find myself behind a man counting his change. 

Damn, it’s so close, I thought.  Come on, dude.  As he stepped out of line I reached my hand out towards the Almond Joy in its blue packet and…

My ass woke up.  I groaned with disappointment.  Even when I find what I want, a small bite of joy, I can’t have it.  Let’s psychoanalyze that, sheeeeit.